TABLETOP GAME REVIEW: Sushi Go! Party

written by David Steffen

Sushi Go Party! is a 2016 expansion of the fun and fast-paced strategy point-scoring game Sushi Go! (previously reviewed here). The basic gameplay of the game is the same: each player starts with a hand of cards, plays a card facedown and then flips it over, and passes their hand to the person next to them and rotates. Points are scored at the end of each round except the desserts which are saved until the end for scoring.

Sushi Go Party! takes the solid concept and execution of the original game and simply expands it with more kinds of cards. You still only have the same number of types of cards per game, but you can choose a different set for each game–you choose one roll, three appetizers, two specials, and a dessert (and the reliable-scoring nigiri are always included).

The original game had types that you would get points by collecting more of, collect 3 sashimi for 10 points, 2 tempura for 5 points, more dumplings for more points apiece. But Sushi Go! Party has tofu, for which you get 2 poitns for 1 tofu, 6 points for 2 tofu, but 0 points for 3 or more tofu. Or eel, for which 1 is -3 points, but 2 is worth 7. The specials in particular have more weird varieties, like the menu which lets you look at the next 4 cards in the deck and pick your favorite, or the special order which can mimic any other card you’ve already laid down.

The original Sushi Go! is a great strategy game that keeps itself interesting with the strategy, and Sushi Go Party! just multiplies that. You can change the game significantly by swapping in some different cards, and so there’s even more potential for replay. Great game for all ages.

Audience
All ages who are old enough to be ready for this type of strategy. My 5 year old plays it very well and loves every minute.

Challenge
Can be quite challenging, and can be made more or less challenging by swapping in different card sets to make you think of new strategies for different combinations.

Session Time
You can play a full game in maybe 10-15 minutes, so reasonably quick, if not as quick as some other games.

Replayability
Lots of replayability, your strategies might or might not be rigid, but the variations of the card combinations and the other player’s strategies serve to keep it fresh, and once you’ve figured out a good strategy for a particular set of cards, try a different set.

Originality
Even considering the original Sushi Go! the new sets of cards are a huge expansion of variety and originality.

Overall
A very fun and fast-paced strategy scoring game where chance plays a big enough factor that the best strategist isn’t going to just walk away with a win easily. Suitable for people of all ages, and is a lot of fun. Highly recommended. Only downside compared to the original Sushi Go! is that the other one is a little more compact and easy to set up, because you don’t have to separate out all the cards like you do with this one–so if you’re going to bring it to work to play with friends at lunch or something the original has the advantage of being easy to move and set up.



MOVIE REVIEW: The Secret Life of Pets 2

written by David Steffen

The Secret Life of Pets 2 is a 2019 computer-animated children’s comedy by Universal Pictures and Illumination, the sequel to the first movie from 2016 (which was reviewed here). As with the prior film, the cast of the film are pets living in a New York City apartment building, who venture out into the city to have adventures, unbeknownst to their owners.

This one is about… well, honestly that’s hard to pin down in a quick synopsis, because the cast of characters are plit from each other and having separate adventures for most of the movie. Max (Patton Oswalt, rather than the original actor Louis CK) and his newer dog family member Duke (Eric Stonestreet) are now used to each other, but their life is thrown into turmoil when their owner Katy (Ellie Kemper) gets married and has a baby, Liam (Henry Lynch). Max and Duke are apprehensive about the new member of the family at first, but as the child grows Max in particular grows a very close bond with him . When they take a family trip to relatives in the country, Max has his hands full trying to keep the kid safe in a new environment. Meanwhile, Gidget (Jenny Slate) back at home has been tasked with protecting Max’s favorite toy, and soon has to face a cat lady’s mob of semi-feral cats. And a new cast member, a Shih Tzu named Daisy (Tiffany Haddish) enlists the help of the rabbit Snowball (Kevin Hart), in helping rescue a captive tiger from a traveling circus.

As the synopsis might suggest, this movie is very scattered, which makes it hard to have a coherent read on the thing as a whole, and as a whole it was hard to really care about the stakes. And, the writing is not as good as the first one–the first one’s plot was not particularly good either, but there was better lines that were probably from standup comic. Overall it was pretty forgettable, there are much better kids movies

DP FICTION #56B: “Save the God Damn Pandas” by Anaea Lay

My job? Purity shaming pandas. It’s great. You loom over a living, breathing, talking embodiment of the international fixation on world peace and you shout, “Why won’t you fuck, you lazy motherfucker?” And then you play them some porn.

Okay, it’s not actually like that.

At all.

Really, my job kind of sucks.

*

“You. Purity shame. Pandas?”

The dinner entrées have just arrived. There’s a real wax candle, with fire and everything, on the table. Tinny speakers are playing pretentious string music. Wine which came from some sort of grape a hippie read bedtime stories to every night through the long summer fills our glasses. And my date is judging me. Hard.

“Why would you do that?” she asks.

Her name is Samantha. She’s wearing a red dress which, if we were animals, would mean she wants to get laid. Maybe she did want to get laid, five minutes ago, when all she knew about me was that I ordered the wine made from happy grapes. Now that she knows what I am, I may not make it to dessert. I am in serious trouble. “We have to do something. They’re going extinct.”

She gapes at me. If I made that face, my mother would be all ‘Don’t do that, Jason, you look like a carp. Are you a carp?” I don’t know much about carp. My job is pandas. “Can’t you use artificial insemination or something?”

Because that’s better. The pandas won’t even fuck, but how do you think momma panda is going to feel when a few weeks after she has a weird close encounter with a zookeeper she finds out she’s in the family way. Shit like that is where alien abduction stories come from, but the minute a cuddly furball with good PR is involved, the public is all over it. “Some of us think that wouldn’t be the best for Fen Fen’s mental health.”

Samantha is not following.

“Gestation and the eventual cubs have better outcomes if the mother agreed to the act that led to the pregnancy. We’re pretty sure Fen Fen would get very depressed if we inseminated her. She’s basically said as much. So we’re counting on Lan Lan to work some panda seduction.”

I clearly should have brought worms to my date, because I spent the rest of the main course trying to pry conversation from a carp. And no, dessert did not happen.

*

It was hard enough to get those fuzzy fuckers to breed before they could talk. But some jackass had the bright idea that if we used these new neural implant things that had been developed for stroke patients, we could give panda bears the ability to speak and we could explain the gravity of their lack of gravidity. Also, they were hoping for insights into the deep wisdom of the panda, or something.

What they got was Lan Lan the fat ass complaining about the tenderness of the bamboo we feed him, and Fen Fen the would be career woman with a penchant for writing memoir. Meanwhile I, Jason Constans, the Breeding Encouragement Specialist assigned to the fat ass, am basically a glorified sex therapist turned pimp.

So yes, I spend most of my working hours wanting to punch a panda in the face. That is not unreasonable.

*

“Sorry, man,” Cory, my roommate and best bud from way back in our collegiate days, says when I collapsed on our couch. “Bad date?”

I give the universal primate grunt of utter defeat.

“Was it her, or you?”

“Lan fucking Lan. It’s not enough for that celibate bastard to take down his whole species. He’s wrecking my life, too.”

Cory hands me a beer as he plops down on the couch next to me. We’ve had that couch since our first place, senior year of college. It’s part of the family. “Just don’t tell them what you do. You don’t have to open with the pandas-not-fucking thing.”

“It’ll come out eventually and then I’ll have another Rachel. I can’t do another Rachel, man.” Broke my heart. We were engaged. I was living the dream, ready for the picket fence and 2.5 kids and all of it. But she just had to meet Lan Lan, and what kind of monster has daily access to those cute! adorable! overgrown raccoons and won’t hook his fiancée up with an interview? Ten minutes of conversation with Lan Lan, and I was one sad sack of a dumped Breeding Encouragement Specialist.

Actually, it’s unfair to raccoons to compare pandas to them. Raccoons are ambitious little fuckers, and they can sense light with their hands. That is bad ass. Fen Fen’s incisive memoir aside, pandas are useless.

Cory takes a swig from his beer. “They won’t all turn out to be Rachel.”

“I was with her for two years. I can’t waste two years again. I’m getting old. My biological clock is ticking. If they aren’t going to survive finding out they’re dating a panda pimp, I need to get them out of the way in a hurry and look for the one who will.”

“Michael liked that I live with a panda pimp.”

“Michael was a nutcase, as evidenced by his idiotic life choices, first in dating you, then in not dating you.” I glance at Cory to see how he’s taking the ribbing. It’s only been a couple weeks since he and Mike broke up, and I’m pretty sure we’re to the teasing and ragging on the ex stage, but I haven’t tested it out yet.

Cory rolls his eyes and punches me in the arm. I called it right.

“Maybe we should go out and look for dates. Right now. You’re getting old, too. We are on the road to becoming the dude version of platonic cat lady roommates.”

He grimaces. “There’s nothing wrong with cat ladies, and I’ve got work in the morning.”

I do, too, but I’m not looking forward to it.

*

The problem with pandas, aside from everything, is all that bamboo. They’re bears who eat grass. Bears. Eating woody grass. Think about that for a minute. It’s basically the same as if we decided to subsist entirely on popcorn and stuck to it so hard that after a few generations our gut bacteria went, “Okay, fine, I guess we’ll do something with this, but you’re never going to be happy about it,” and so we were tired, sleepy, useless fucks all the time. But damn if we don’t like popcorn so much that we’re not going to bother looking for anything else. Yum, popcorn.

Do not talk to me about the nobility and enlightenment implied by an essentially carnivorous species going vegan so hard they subsist on glorified grass. I don’t care how eloquently Fen Fen writes about it. That is shit. And I would know; I’ve scooped plenty of her shit in my time.

*

The day after Samantha’s aborted red dress, I do my zombie strut into the panda enclosure at my usual cheery dawn-o-clock in the morning, quadruple mocha caramel caffeine fest clutched in my hands. Everything is soft and quiet like things are when the sun hasn’t even bothered to crawl its ass out of bed yet. Lan Lan, the fuzzy mother fucker, is curled up in his custom designed rock cave built by some Swedish company that specializes in harmonizing Feng Shui principles with Scandinavian minimalism, all while authentically replicating nature. What that means is that the cave is made out of stones that were very precisely cut and fit together like an Ikea jigsaw castle, and somebody apologized to the rock the whole time they shaped it.

I’m still tetchy about the date with Samantha, so I don’t hesitate before firing up the projector and starting the day’s therapy right then and there. The enclosure is immediately transformed from a finely honed replica of perfectly balanced authentic nature, into an immersive theater experience. In this particular case, we’re immersed in a very authentic replica of Antarctic winter. The cave is overlaid with images of a wall of emperor penguins squinting against the wind and huddling together like the paragons of bad ass dedicated fatherhood they are.

Lan Lan opens one eye and harrumphs. “Bad date?”

“She wore red.”

“Then you should be more cheerful.”

“I would, except you ruined it again.”

“You could quit your job,” Lan Lan says. He’s said that before.

“Then I’d be the guy who walked away and let the glorious panda go extinct. That’s not going to win me any blushing brides, either.”

“You’re perverse.” Then he closes his eye and goes back to sleep. I’m tempted to have them install industrial fans so we can blast him with a fraction of the Antarctic winter. Or maybe we could give an emperor penguin the neuro-enhancement hardware we’d installed in Lan Lan and Fen Fen and let a real, dedicated member of a popular and thriving species talk some sense into our pig-headed mascots of peace.

I sip at my liquid confection, waiting for the sugar to hit and make me jittery, as I watch the movie. After twenty minutes we get to my favorite part, when the wind eases up and the sun breaks through. All the dads turn their tuxedo faces up and blink at the light. They look so god damned bewildered, like they’ve gotten into the groove of hellacious winter misery and had forgotten it was going to end. “Oh, right, spring! That’s a thing,” their beady little eyes say.

Then the penguin moms come swimming in from the ocean and waddle across the ice and dad gets his first meal in six months and falls over exhausted and they’ve got their little chick and it’s like the perfect triumph of the nuclear family on the world’s largest desert and the sugar finally hits which is the only reason my eyes got misty even though I’ve seen this movie something like five hundred times.

“Have you ever considered that I’m not the one who needs therapy?” Lan Lan asks, his voice rumbling through his chest because he doesn’t even bother to move his face from where he’s buried it in his paws. Parents would shit diamonds to let their kids see that pose this close. They deserve hemorrhoids.

“Do you see what they go through? And that’s just for one egg. You guys usually get twins out of the deal. Why is this so hard for you to get behind?”

“I’m not the family type. And neither is Fen Fen. There’s not enough penguin footage in the world to change that.”

“As far as we can tell, there isn’t a single member of your species who is the family type.”

“So we go extinct. Big fucking deal.” His butt waggles as he shifts to get more comfortable.

“You are the living, breathing embodiment of the symbol of peace. We can’t let that go extinct. What would that say about us?”

The long silence Lan Lan answers me with might be commentary if I didn’t know he was too lazy to work up the effort necessary to judge us. At long last he grumbles, “Make the penguins your symbol of peace.”

*

The dick thing about Michael and Cory splitting is that Cory wants to settle down and have kids as much as I do. I was honestly getting a bit jealous of him because it looked like Michael was going to be the one. My consolation was that I could be the weird straight uncle, like maybe Cory’s kids could be methadone to my raging paternal instincts or something. Dude has seriously let me down by letting that relationship fall apart.

*

“Bad day at work?” Cory asks when I got home. He’s already offering me a beer. All he needs is a string of pearls and he’d be a queer-guy Mrs. Beaver.

“I got sniffly over the penguins again.”

He sighs, withdraws the offered beer long enough to take the top off for me, then hands it back.

“Thanks,” I say, and take a long swallow. Then, “Is it cool if Kim comes over? We want to have a work confab thing, but keep it casual.” Kim is Fen Fen’s assigned Breeding Encouragement Specialist. Super sweet, with three-year-old twin girls who are constantly doing adorable things that get posted to Kim’s Facebook page. She was married before she got the job and her approach so far consists mostly of being utterly and jealousy-inducingly happy for all the world to see. She doesn’t seem bothered that Fen Fen isn’t getting the hint.

“Panda pimps unite?”

“If you cook for us, we’ll let you have one of the team T-shirts.”

“Deal.”

Cory does mysterious things to food objects in the kitchen while I bust ass cleaning up the apartment to make it presentable for company. Kim shows up with a bottle of wine and a loaf of bread.

We uncork the bottle right away and she and I hover near the kitchen island while Cory works. The bottle is nearly defeated, and Cory is serving something gloopy that smells like garlic and obesity when Kim gently steers the conversation toward work. “No, I’m serious. Fen Fen really has something good going on. She’s going to be a star.”

“A stand up panda act?” Cory asks as he grinds black pepper over the bowls. “Don’t they only have one punchline?”

“Exactly!” Kim says. “But she uses it really well. Even Jason will like this one.” She nudges me in the ribs to make sure I’m braced for it. “What does the female panda say when her sex therapist asks why she has low expectations for intercourse?”

I wince and bury my face in my hands.

Cory snickers. “Because he just eats, shoots, and leaves.”

“See. Brilliant!” Kim and Cory chortle.

I give the primal ape groan of abject despair. “You’re encouraging her.”

“Of course I am,” Kim says. “She’ll come around in her own time. And when she does, I want to make sure she’s as happy and fulfilled as she can be. That will lead to the best outcomes.”

“Don’t mind him,” Cory says as he hands Kim a bowl. “He’s bitter because he struck out at dinner last night.”

*

Kim waits until dessert to break the news that she and her husband are trying to get pregnant again. Twenty minutes later I’m on the couch trying not to bawl while Cory sees her out. He brings me an extra slice of Marie Callender’s calories-in-lieu-of-happiness pie, puts the plate on my knee, then sits down at my side. “You’ve got to get a handle on this.”

“I’m sorry. I know. It’s just…I’ve always wanted kids and the whole world has always been telling me I’m not supposed to care and even my job is telling me that but Kim’s just, whatever, guess I’ll have another one. It’s not fair. I feel like I’m running out of time.”

Cory picks up the fork from the plate, opens my hand, then manually closes my fingers around the fork. “Shut up. Shovel pie into your mouth until I’m done talking.”

I raise an eyebrow at him, but take a bite of the pie.

“Michael and I split up – ”

“Because he’s an idiot,” I jump in to say. Cory stabs a threatening finger toward my pie. I shut up and take another bite.

“We split up because he wasn’t ready to settle down and I was tired of waiting for him.”

I…hadn’t known that part of it. “Oh, man, I’m sorry. You didn’t say – ” I stop when he slaps the back of my head. A brotherly slap, not a domestic abuse slap. A hey-dipshit-you’re-supposed-to-be-eating slap.

“I’m sick of waiting around for you, too. Catch up to the 21st century. Let’s have a baby.”

It’s a really good thing I don’t follow instructions well, because otherwise I’d be strangling on a bite of Marie Callender. “I’m not gay.”

“I wasn’t planning to get you pregnant. We’ve been living together forever, we throw a mean dinner party on short notice, and we both want kids. Either you can wake up and face the facts, or you can keep getting weepy about penguins. Your call, but I’m done living with a mopey sex-pusher.”

I take a moment with that.

Cory takes my hand, steers the fork to scoop up a piece of pie, then delivers it to my mouth. Which is hanging open. Apparently I learned carp impersonation from Samantha.

“Our kids don’t get to play football. Concussions are serious bad news.”

“Fair deal,” Cory agrees.

*

So, adopting has a fuck-ton of paperwork and takes forever. At the rate we’re going, we could have gestated a baby elephant. But whatever. We’ve got it. It’s not like we’re balancing an egg on our feet all winter.

I still want to give Lan Lan a black eye more often than not, but I’ve switched him over to some great footage of seahorse dads. It’s kind of peaceful to watch them bouncing along in the water.

Fen Fen’s got a Facebook page now to support her self-published memoir, so she’s getting inundated with the photos of Kim’s twins and her ecstatic baby bump updates. Cory and I are trying to keep pace by posting selfies with stacks of paperwork, but it’s not quite the same. Not going to lie, though; it’s still fucking awesome.

The new strategy for Team Panda Pimp is to conspicuously have so much fun, Fen Fen breaks down and asks for insemination, if nothing else, to get material for her next memoir. It might even work. The international symbol of world peace won’t lift a paw to save itself from extinction, but humanity will bend over backward to perform test tube miracles on their behalf. There’s got to be some inspiring symbolism in there somewhere.

And it really hammers home Cory’s point: fucking is not required to make a family.


© 2019 by Anaea Lay

Author’s Note:One of my very good friends is extremely frustrated by pandas, to the point where he’ll happily go on at length about what a waste of space they are, and how we ought to let them go extinct.  Frankly, he has a point.  I was thinking about him while watching a documentary on emperor penguins, one thing led to another, and here we are.  This story was more on than I realized though, as demonstrated by a pair of would-be penguin dads in Berlin.

Anaea Lay lives in Chicago, Illinois where she is engaged in a torrid love affair with the city.

She’s the fiction podcast editor for Strange Horizons, where you can hear her read a new short story nearly every week.  She’s the president of the Dream Foundry, an organization dedicating to bolstering and nurturing the careers of nascent professionals working with the speculative arts.

Her fiction work has appeared in a variety of venues including LightspeedApexBeneath Ceaseless Skies, and Pod Castle.  Her interactive novel, Gilded Rails, was released by Choice of Games in 2018.  She lives online at anaealay.com where you can find a complete biography and her blog.  Follow her on Twitter @anaealay.


If you enjoyed the story you might also want to visit our Support Page, or read the other story offerings.

The Horowitz Method: A Metrics-Based Approach to Rank-Ordering Musical Groups

written by David Steffen (and no one else, alas)

INTRODUCTION

Since time immemorial, one of the perennial topics of humankind has been to compare music.  Whether pop is better than country, whether this band is better than that band, or this song better than that song.  Before the invention of writing, one can imagine heated arguments about who was the best drummer.

(ANGELICA, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry. For everything. But most of all I’m especially sorry for taking what we had for granted. Don’t worry, the parts that are bold-and-italicized are only visible to you, keyed off of your IP address. I can only hope that even though you’ve changed your number and email address that you might have left this one thing unchanged. I know you would be mortified if this were public, and wouldn’t hear the end of it from Maurice. I wouldn’t do that to you!)

Arguments are powerful things.  Relationships have formed and relationships have ended over this subject matter (because some of us become complete assholes on the topic and don’t think about other people), and we believe that many relationships can be saved if we can apply some elements of scientific rigor.  The subject matter as it has been historically framed is inherently too subjective and therefore is a breeding ground for disputes and hard feelings.  Even scientists, we who pride ourselves on being able to set aside our emotions and think rationally, have been known to make this mistake, though we of all people should know better. 

We posit that our mistake has been rushing into the discussion without agreeing upon criteria (and also about using absolute statements in combination with invectives, statements like “Anyone who likes 98 Degrees more than The Four Seasons is a complete @*&@#$ @#*@! have no place in a laboratory”. I was not lying, but I should have considered your feelings. I didn’t know how hard you would take that until you replied to say that One Direction was better than Third Eye Blind. That still stings.), and so have entered the debate in bad faith with the conclusion in mind ahead of the evidence.  We considered what criteria might be used for the judging of musical bands.  As with the objective comparison of so many other types of subject matter, we have come to the conclusion that the answer lies in mathematics.  When we sent Voyager to journey beyond our solar system, we wrote our message to the universe in the languages of music and mathematics.  If it’s good enough for aliens, it’s good enough for resolving disputes with our fellow music-loving humans. (I would send you a gold record!)

PROPOSAL

Therefore, I propose The Horowitz Method (I hope you’re not upset that I named it after you. I know it’s traditional for the founder/inventor of a scientific method or discovery to be its namesake, and while you didn’t propose the method nor write this article to propose it to the public, I wanted to acknowledge the role that you played in its instantiation. You are the best research partner that I’ve ever had, so rigorous and well-spoken and hilarious when you want to be, and while yes I have at times been jealous of your success, that success was earned and anyone is lucky to work with you. I also admit that another factor in choosing your name was that I hoped you would hear about the proposed method via mutual colleagues and would be curious enough to visit this page where you could read these messages. If you’re upset about the naming, I promise I am willing to change it), an objective method of rank-ordering musical groups in a metric-based approach that is thus subject to peer review.


But what mathematical measure?  If we were talking about comparing one song with another, it might be easier, for the music itself is inherently mathematical–meter, tempo, time, number of notes, pitches.  But a single musical group could have any number of songs, and the number could grow every day–what particular songs would one use to judge a group?  Their newest?  The whole body of their work?  And some bands release songs so regularly that any conclusion drawn would have to be re-examined very frequently. And that’s not even to speak about what particular measure to use which, we know from personal experience, becomes a dispute of its own.

No, if we are going to compare musical groups and expect a somewhat stable outcome, we must not compare their songs, we must compare traits of the group themselves.  The genre?  The style?  Again, too subjective, one could argue that a group is one or another or maybe both or something entirely new.  We need to focus in on something entirely indisputable. 

The band name.  (Please hear me out and look at the data. And I look forward to seeing your refutation in a prestigious journal instead of publishing it on your own site)

And, in order to apply mathematical rigor to it, the dataset we will work with will be band names with numbers in them. (yeah, I know, but I figured we had to start somewhere)

“My favorite musical group doesn’t have a number in it,” (Black-Eyed Peas) some of you are declaring at this very moment (Faust, Lionel Richie, Adele).  Then take heart in knowing that your favorite band is incomparable, in the mathematical sense.  If you want to compare your group with others, I’m afraid you’re out of luck, at least for the time being.  You may as well try compare (8/0) to (10/0), or compare a walrus to a the clock speed of Pentium processor, or a raven to a writing desk, the question inherently has no meaning, and if you don’t like the system, propose an alternative. (I dare you. You know you want to!)

By using a mathematical system, we can define and rank and draw some mathematical conclusions about the dataset.  This system doesn’t define which band is the “best” because that is an inherently subjective concept, but it does define which is the GREATEST, mathematically speaking. (That’s right, that’s how sorry I am, I am resorting to PUNS . In PUBLIC. May the Flying Spaghetti Monster forgive me. )

CORNER CASES

Even in something so simple as numerical ordering, there were some corner cases that are worth noting, especially when other researchers consider peer review.

Only groups that had a number clearly as part of the name were included in the dataset. Groups that clearly had numerical etymology but did not contain what we would recognize as the word we commonly use for the number were not included. This excluded, for instance, Pentatonix, which was a corner case in itself, but if we included root words then we felt it would have to include any other names that include root words, which might not always be easy to determine in every word that it may not be common knowledge that they are numerically based, such as “quarantine”.

But a number may be part of a larger word and still be included as long as the number itself is clearly visible and appears to clearly refer to the number. So, Sixpence None the Richer was included as the number 6 and Oneohtrix Point Never was included as the number 1, but Bone Thugs and Harmony was not included because “Bone” clearly is not meant to refer to the number “one” even though it contains the letter sequence.

At first, ordinal were included, like Third Eye Blind, as its integer number (in this case, 3). But, after considering the earlier decisions about not allowing words with number etymology in them, this seemed inconsistent with that. In an attempt at greater consistency, these were still included in the dataset, but as fractions whenever the word was correct–so Third Eye Blind was included as 1/3 rather than as 3. We expect that this will be a point of contention in peer review and we welcome the debate. (Note that I didn’t do this just so that One Direction would be greater than Third Eye Blind, and how dare you suggest I would undermine my own scientific integrity)

Roman numerals were included, but only when the numeral clearly referred to a number. So, King’s X was excluded even though the X might be considered a 10, because that doesn’t appear to be how it’s used. But Boyz II Men was included, because it is spoken as the number representation, rather than being pronounced “Boyz Eye Eye Men”.

Musical groups with more than one number in their name, like The 5,6,7,8’s, or Seven Mary Three, were treated as a dataset, included once for each number. This means that Seven Mary Three is both greater than and less than The Four Tops.

STATISTICAL RESULTS

Many of the results of this dataset are illustrative of the problems inherent in trying to summarize a dataset with extreme outliers. At the same time, the usual methods for excluding outliers seemed inappropriate for this particular application, because if we are to determine which band is greater than another, but exclude the greatest bands in the dataset, this would undermine. Note that, among other things, this means that the GREATEST band is also the ONLY band that’s above average.

The Greatest (Maximum): Six Billion Monkeys

The Least (Minimum): Minus Five

Average: 28,846,316.88

Standard Deviation: 416,025,135.8

Median: 5 (see data list below to see the bands with value 5)

Mode: 3

Again, note how the average and standard deviation in particular were skewed very high by the high outliers in the dataset, particularly the number of 6,000,000,000, when the majority of the rest of the numbers were less than 100.

HISTOGRAM

While the dataset as a whole is very spread out to make a displayable histogram, since 90% of the datapoints are between the values of 0 and 100, that a histogram of the data within this range could be interesting.

FURTHER STUDY

If this measure were widely adopted, it is possible that it would have the consequence of encouraging musical groups to be more likely to pick names with numbers in them, or to add numbers to existing names. We see this as a positive result in itself, though it could make future results require more peer reviews as bands try to pick the greatest number to improve their placement, which may bias the data.

Although we explicitly avoided ranking individual songs here, the same method has potential for that as well as albums or movie titles or books (i.e. 1984 is greater than Slaughterhouse Five) or really anything else that has titles that might include numbers in them.

(And the most important under the topic of further study is whether you will see this as the olive branch it is meant to be. My research is lesser without you, and I hope you feel the same way about me. You know how to reach me, and I hope you do contact me. Most of all, and you know that I’m not good at the touchy-feely stuff, is that I miss you as a person. You are an incredible human being.)

THE DATA

Here is a list of the complete set of datapoints used in this study. While this is meant to be as complete a list as possible, it is recognized that this is likely not a comprehensive list, as with the Internet publishing where it is it can be hard to define whether a band is a band or not–i.e. what if there is a musical YouTube channel with a numerical username, or what if someone self-publishes a CD on their own website that no one has heard of. Further studies can propose methods of defining what exact musical groups should be included and which ones should not.

Six Billion Monkeys
10,000 Maniacs
Powerman 5000 (Yeah, I know, but numbers don’t lie)
Andre 3000
B2K
Death From Above 1979
The 1975
1349
1000 Homo DJs
999
MC 900 Foot Jesus
702
Galaxie 500
Appollo 440
311
Front 242
Blink 182
112
Zuco 103
The 101ers
100 Flowers
Haircut One Hundred
Ho99o9
98 Degrees
Old 97’s
Revenge 88
Combat 84
M83
Link 80
EA80
Seun Kuti & Fela’s Egypt 80
Resistance 77
JJ72
SR-71
69 Eyes
Sham 69
65daysofstatic
Eiffel 65
The Dead 60s
Ol ’55
2:54
The B-52’s
50 Cent
45 Grave
Loaded 44
*44
June of 44
Level 42
Sum 41
UB40
E-40
38
36 Crazyfists
Thirty Seconds To Mars
Apartment 26
Section 25
23 Skidoo
22-Pistepirkko
Catch 22
Twenty One Pilots
Matchbox Twenty
East 17
Heaven 17
16 Horsepower
13 & God
Thirteen Senses
13 Enginers
Thirteen Senses
d12
12 Stones
Finger Eleven
T-11
Ten Seconds Over Tokyo
Ten Years After
10cc
10 Years
Nine Inch Nails
Sound Tribe Sector 9
Ho99o9
The 5,6,7,8’s
DT8
The 5,6,7,8’s
Seven Mary Three
Zero 7
School of Seven Bells
Avenged Sevenfold
School of Seven Bells
L7
7 Seconds
7 Year Bitch
Shed Seven
The 5,6,7,8’s
Six Organs of Admittance
Slow Six
Appollonia 6
Eve 6
Sixpence None the Richer
Three Six Mafia
Sixx:AM
Six Feet Under
Nikki Sixx
Vanity 6
V6
Delta 5
The 5,6,7,8’s
Five
Pizzicato Five
Five Finger Death Punch
Maroon 5
Five Iron Frenzy
Ben Folds Five
The Jackson Five
MC5
Family Force 5
US5
Dave Clark Five
Section 5
B5
Count Five
5 Seconds of Summer
Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five
Jurassic 5
John 5
We Five
The Five Satins
five star
Gang of Four
Four Tet
The Four Seasons
The Four Tops
The Brothers Four
The 4-Skins
The Four Pennies
The Fourmost
4 Non Blondes
4 Jacks and a Jill
Funky 4*1
Unit 4 + 2
The Three O’Clock
Dirty Three
Fun Boy Three
Seven Mary Three
3 Leg Torso
Bike For Three!
Three Mile Pilot
Dirty Three
Mojave 3
Opus III
Alabama 3
Three Dog Night
Three Doors Down
3 Mustaphas 3
3 Mustaphas 3
Three Six Mafia
Three Days Grace
3LW
The Three Degrees
Spacemen 3
Timbuk 3
The Juliana Hatfield Three
3T
Fun Boy Three
The Big Three
3 Colours Red
Secret Chiefs 3
Two and a Half Brains
Boyz II Men
Two Gallants
U2 (Sorry Bono)
Soul II Soul
Two Door Cinema Club
The Other Two
Aztec Two-Step
M2M
Two Man Sound
2 Live Crew
Unit 4 + 2
2 Chainz
Secondhand Serenade
2 Minutos
1-2 Trio
2wo
RJD2
The Other Two
2:54
Faith + 1
Oneohtrix Point Never
Doseone
One Republic
One Night Only
One Direction
KRS-1
The Only Ones
The Lively Ones
Funky 4*1
1-2 Trio
One Dove
Third Eye Blind
Third Ear Band
The Sixths
Eleventh Dream Day
13th Floor Elevators
Zero 7
Remy Zero
Edward Sharp and the Magnetic Zeros
Authority Zero
Zero Boys
The Minus Five

TV REVIEW: Castle Rock Season 1

written by David Steffen

Castle Rock is a horror/fantasy drama series based in one of the common fictional locations and with some of the fictional characters of Stephen King’s novels. Season 1 aired in 2018, and a second season is upcoming later this month. You may recognize the town if you’ve read the books: Cujo, Needful Things, or others.

Dale Lacy (Terry O’Quinn), warden of Shawshank prison in Castle Rock, Maine, commits suicide in an unsual and graphic fashion the day of his retirement. Soon after, a dark secret kept by Lacy is revealed–he has been keeping a young man (Bill Skarsgård) in a steel cage in an alcove of the prison that no one else knew about. The young man won’t give his name, and won’t say anything but “Henry Deaver”.

So they call Henry Deaver (André Holland), who grew up in Castle Rock and is now working in Texas as a lawyer for death row innmates. He has been a sort of local celebrity since he was a kid, when he disappeared with his father when the temperature was below zero. His father (Adam Rothenberg) was found shortly after that, injured in a fall from a cliff onto a frozen lake, but Henry wasn’t found until eleven days later, with no explanation for his whereabouts. Most of the townspeople decided Henry had attempted to kill his father; part of the reason he left the town was to get away from the accusatory glares of the locals.

Henry travels all the way to Castle Rock only to find that the new warden denies the existence of the man who asked for him. The situations just gets weirder and weirder as new details of the case come to light, and in usual Stephen King fashion, it’s hard to tell what’s real and what’s not.

TV REVIEW: The Handmaid’s Tale Season 3

written by David Steffen

The Handmaid’s Tale is a TV show presented on the Hulu streaming service, based on the 1984 Margaret Atwood novel of the same name, which was previously reviewed here, about a near-future dystopia in which the USA has become an extremely oppressive theocracy in which women are second-class citizens, especially the handmaids who are little more than breeding stock. Season three aired on Netflix in 2019 (season 1 was reviewed here, and season 2 here).

Season 2 ended with June (Elisabeth Moss) having her baby after escaping from her servitude and living on the run for some time, with the help of the baby’s probable father Nick (Max Minghella), but only enjoyed her motherhood for minutes before being taken again with her baby. But, after being forced back into her role as handmaid she had the opportunity to smuggle the newborn baby away and she took it, and the season ended with the baby being smuggled out, even with the assistance of Serena (Yvonee Strahovski) who would have legally been the mother of the baby by the laws of Gilead.

In season three, June soon comes to terms with the fact that she won’t be able to smuggle her first daughter Hannah out of Gilead. But she is not going to just lie down and take it. She still serves under Joseph which gives her more opportunity than other handmaids–he is more lenient on many of the rules of how they’re supposed to behave, and June is determined to take advantage of.

This season felt like a marked change in the course of the series, from a scenario where the women are just trying to survive from day to day to a scenario where the women are uniting to fight back in a huge way. I feel like that was made possible in aprt by reducing some of the restrictions on them (which seems less plausible given June’s disappearance and reappearance).

It is an excellent addition to the series, and well worth seeing.

DP FICTION #56A: “Tracing an Original Thought” by Novae Caelum

It’s like this: if the world has a food shortage, you eliminate hunger by leaving the planet, taking all your animals and plants in your genetic ark, and finding a new planet on which to grow and flourish.

It’s also like this: if the world has a distribution of wealth crisis, you eliminate poverty by never having elites in your new society. At least for a little while. At least, that was the plan.

And if the world has a gender crisis, an inability for equality, you eliminate gender.

You eliminate sex. The need for physical reproduction. Genetic disease. Gender politics.

You eliminate.

And then maybe you’d live in Arioth, city under the vast hanging visage of a ringed gas giant, black towers that reach for the stars, portal tubes flicking citizens from building top to street corner to corner office.

*

I’m not one of the elites. They lounge in their penthouses, looking down at their domains, moving the tides of originality. They own the artisans, the writers, the thinkers, the scientists—the hearts, the minds, the souls—all valuable trade commodities. Original thoughts, a groundbreaking currency. The first time you have an original thought, you’re a slave of the elites for life.

I decided long ago to never have an original thought. Which is why I became a tracer, hunting the original thinkers who have the very unoriginal idea of running away from their fates.

On a dingy street corner smelling of rotten garbage, where red marks mottled the concrete from the last clearing of a shack village, I pulled my phone out of my pocket, flipping up the eight-centimeter cylinder to activate the holographic display. It unfolded with a cheery chime and showed me a map of the city district in blue lines to the edge of the biodome, which was about a half kilometer from where I was standing.

It also showed me the path my target had taken, a haphazard red weave through streets and alleyways. Did they think they could lose me? Everyone in Arioth was genetically tagged since before emergence. Every child, traceable in every way since the time cells hit cells and became more cells, replicating in the gestation pods. You couldn’t run, not as a toddler, not as an adult. Tracers didn’t have to have original thoughts, because the most strenuous part about being a tracer was the violence, not the tracing itself.

Except.

I scrolled the holo to follow my target’s trail, but it went to a street corner in a particularly seedy district and stopped. I stared at the red dot on my display. It wasn’t blinking as it should have been. And it wasn’t white like it would have been if they’d died. Just solid red staring back at me, like they’d stopped themself somewhere between life and death. That little dot with the name “Emin 4892” beside it.

I’d been a tracer for six years, and I’d never seen a dot do that.

I slapped my phone against my neatly pressed jeans, hoping to jolt out any malfunction. The tracer department was not a department that had a lot of originality, and therefore not a lot of chance for technical upgrades. This phone was at least ten years old and buggy as hell.

The red dot remained, though.

I sighed, shoving down my growing unease. I’d have to investigate—following procedures, of course. Not with anything like original thought.

*

I had my personal numbers and stats in my vision at all times, eyes opened or closed. Everyone did. We saw our names—mine was “Gin 8381.” We saw our physical attributes—cropped brown hair, mid-brown skin, green eyes. Average height, below average weight. We saw our vitals—fit and healthy. We saw, when we were adults, when it was time to visit a clinic and let them harvest cells for the production of the next generation of creche children. We saw alerts from the elites. We saw traffic routing, job assignments based on genetics and aptitudes, and alerts on where to take our daily meals. Everything pertaining to personal, daily life.

And on the left side of my vision, always in movement, was the red to green bar of original thought.

The theory was that if you had an original thought, you would be elevated. You would have a chance, if the thought was original enough, and if you had enough of them, to become an elite. Or at least work under the elites, a few steps higher than you had been.

Some people strove for original thoughts. Their slavery was swift and usually unknowing. They’d lose themselves into their dream worlds and never know how many trade empires depended on their originality.

Some tried hard not to have original thoughts but had them accidentally. Those slaves went fighting and screaming into their elevated exiles.

But most people, from an early age, learned to manage the level of their originality bars. Keep it above red—where you’d be kicked to the streets as genetic chaff—but below yellow-green. If you could hold a steady yellow-orange, you’d have a nice, ordinary, productive life. No great upheavals. No great risks, no great rewards.

*

My originality bar was steady in its usual yellow-orange as I trekked through the litter-strewn streets. A rain had been scheduled for earlier that day, and my boots made soft splashes in black puddles. I’d known the rain was over when I’d come out, but I’d worn my brown duster with its weather-proof coating anyway, because I liked it.

There were no portal tubes in this district, and auto cabs wouldn’t come here, so I had to walk. People would strip both portals and cabs for the metals and resell the parts. That thought was hardly original.

I went through memorized procedures over and over in my mind, a numb and soothing counterpoint to a rising anxiety. My left hand played with the cool metal of my phone in my pocket, a nervous habit I’d never tried to break. I had a sour feeling in my stomach, something that rarely happened on a trace. Tracing was usually as simple as finding the target and bringing them in. Give or take a few bruises or tase gun singes.

But as I neared the place where my target had stopped and saw the sign above the grimy storefront glass, my unease grew.

It was a cuddle shop. There were hundreds of them around the city. If you didn’t have a domestic partner or two, or if you were desperate enough for human contact, you could find it here.

I’d been to some of the middle-class facilities—called Human Contact Therapy there—I wasn’t a recluse. But everyone who was sane stayed away from shops in districts like this. Places like this, people found ways to piece together originality without ever having a full original idea on their own. How to build illicit tech to simulate nerves and responses that were no longer in the human genetic code. Because humans had apparently not out-evolved the need for sex, despite the lack of equipment for it or the stability of a truly sexless society. Which was ridiculous. Genetics were more stable without the haphazard nature of biological reproduction. People didn’t go into hormonal rages like we learned about in ancient history. And there was far, far less abuse. Who could imagine a society so divided that one half subjugated the other purely based on genetics?

I pushed through the creaking door into the shop and had the thought I sometimes had, that maybe our society wasn’t so different from the old horrors in the history texts. That eliminating biological sex and gender had only transferred the problem to a different arena. Humans would always find a way to dominate others, and maybe that domination was still genetic. The bred thinkers vs. the bred non-thinkers. The elites vs. those in shacks on the streets. All watched, all pre-disposed to their lives, and if someone broke their prescribed mold, it was because they were supposed to. Genetic destiny, because the geneticists did not make mistakes. Everyone in their place.

The originality bar on the side of my vision hardly twitched. This thought I was having was not an original thought. Not for me, not for the millions of people monitored by the system.

“Can I help you?” A squat, older person with wild gray hair came toward me in the shop’s humid, off-white lobby.

I grimaced at the tang of sweat in the air. But I pulled out my phone, flipped open the holo, and showed a picture of my target. “I’m looking for this person. Have you seen them?”

“Oh,” the squat person said. “Oh, yeah. Yeah, they’re here.”

I tilted my head. “Still here? Still alive?” I flicked my phone’s holo back to the map. The red dot was solid, and close.

The person fidgeted, a sort of nervous dance. I focused on them, my tracer’s license giving me the ability to see their vitals, their originality bar. All were dangerously high. In a city that tried its best not to do anything out of the ordinary, fear was an original thought.

“Come with me,” the squat person—Dev 1126, the registered owner of this property—said, and led me into the back.

I passed steamy, translucent cubicles. I did not think about what was happening inside them, my lips tightening against the perversity. Human touch was fine. Benign affection was fine. More than that was dangerous.

The owner led me past all the cubicles to a room in the back, a room that had a sterile edge about it, with medical objects and tech on steel counters and an unoccupied medical table in the center.

“I don’t do anything here,” Dev 1126 said. “I just own the building.”

A standard excuse for one part of an original idea. Someone would own the place. Another would facilitate the tech parts, and a few more daring idiots would brush against fate by having just enough of an idea to spread it around. To build whatever they were building.

The room was empty. I checked my map again, and the red dot was centered just beyond this room. I reached into my right coat pocket for my tase gun.

“Hey,” the owner said, putting their hands up. “Hey, I didn’t do anything. Your target’s in there. Back through there.” They nodded at a back door.

Everything about this felt like a trap.

Fortunately, there were procedures for traps.

I shouted, “Emin 4892, come out peacefully, or I will use excessive force!”

I wasn’t expecting my target to come out so easily, and fully expected to have to turn my tase gun’s settings to demolition, but the door cracked, and a slim hand poked out and waved.

“I’m coming out,” a high-pitched voice said. Abnormally high. High with fear?

My brows knit and I hesitated, my aim wavering. Did I have the right person? There was something…off…about that voice. My originality bar jerked precariously upward, and I set my thoughts into reviewing the case file again. The voice did partially match the voiceprint on genetic file for Emin 4892. Thirty-three years of age. Food tester for a gourmet food chain. Nice job, don’t know why they left it. Don’t know why they wanted to have an original thought, if they wanted to at all.

The whole person came out through the doorway. Below average height and weight, bowl-cut black hair. They both were and were not my target. Cosmetic surgery had been involved, certainly. But had it healed this quickly? I’d only got the alert on my target that morning.

Emin 4892 wore a loose, surgical-type green gown and crossed their arms under…anatomy that should not be there.

We all knew what we came from. We all knew the barbaric forms our ancestors had been forced to live in for thousands of years before they were evolutionarily liberated. We knew the carnal drives that society insisted we were no longer slaves to but places like this insisted still lingered in our minds, like an itch that was never quite scratched.

I had never seen an actual throwback, a female, before. For a fleeting, dangerous moment, I wondered if I would feel something more than I should, if my thoughts would turn too original, but they didn’t. I guess I’d never had that itch.

But Emin 4892 apparently had.

They read my judgment, my horror, and their black eyes turned cold. They held their arms tighter around themself.

“That’s right, look at me,” they said. “This is who I am. You can’t take it from me.”

Emin 4892 and the people of this shop must have found a way to perform surgery—no, some kind of genetic splicing or modification—without scars and with rapid healing factor. That in itself was massive originality and an incredibly valuable commodity.

I stared at Emin 4892, and I couldn’t see their vitals. Their red locator dot still shone on my phone, but it hadn’t moved from the back room. Whatever had been done to them had been done there, and that’s where the dot had stopped. Where “they” had stopped and become “her.”

It was physiological, wasn’t it? Not just a cosmetic change. This person was actually female.

I tightened my grip on my tase gun. “Yes, I can take it away. Emin 4892, congratulations. You have had a highly original thought. You will be taken to originality processing where you will be given new accommodations to match your risen status.”

Emin 4892 flipped me the finger. But she didn’t try to bolt. She wasn’t going to run, was she?

“I’m original,” she said, voice tight and smug. “I’m original. I’m an artist, and this is my art.” She waved down at her body. “I decided to make a study of ancient human anatomy. That is an acceptable branch of study. I made an original breakthrough in the field of this art. Look at me—a living sculpture. You can’t destroy that, or return me to how I was. Destruction of originality is a capital crime, isn’t it?”

My thoughts jittered, following her logic. I tried to keep my thoughts in line, but my originality bar rose dangerously into yellow-green. My heart rate intensified.

“Yes, destruction of originality is a crime,” I gasped. I closed my eyes, still watching my originality bar, and ran backward through my most-used procedural manual.

My thoughts began to flow again. To slow. The originality bar went back to yellow-orange.

I exhaled and opened my eyes. I’d take my target in. They were not my problem—they were for someone much more original than I to deal with. It didn’t matter that my target had a point to make, or a sculpture to display, or whatever perversity they thought they were getting away with. It would all smooth out in the end. And it was not my problem.

Emin 4892 sensed their victory, whatever victory they thought they’d gained, and held out their arms. I slapped cuffs on their wrists and shuffled my target out of the shop. I flagged the shop for immediate lockdown and further investigation. It would be shut down, the valuable tech confiscated and taken to be studied by more original scientists. Those who’d built the tech would be traced and taken in, too. You couldn’t escape the fate of original thoughts.

Society would continue in its stability.

Or would it? I darted a glance at Emin 4892. Were they—I couldn’t use “she” without my originality bar climbing, and maybe it wasn’t even “she,” did I even have a right to determine that?—as deranged as our society dictated? Did they just want attention and infamy or did they seriously think that going back to humanity’s original evolutionary forms was a good thing? And if Emin 4892 had caused this much stir already, how could so much originality, so much chaos in concepts like gender or sex, possibly be good?

Emin 4892 walked beside me with a confidence, a carriage in their step I’d only seen in elites. And their eyes flashed with something beyond the defiance, their mouth tight with intense determination. This meant something to them. Something more than status, maybe even more than a statement.

My originality bar started to climb again, and I shunted my thoughts back to procedures, looking away.

Emin 4892 grinned. A sour, knowing grin.

And I hated myself for feeling the contempt in that grin and knowing that I maybe deserved it. That maybe we all did.

That was also not an original thought.

I escorted my willing target down the city blocks to the nearest portal tube, doing my best not to think of societies and change.


© 2019 by Novae Caelum

Author’s Note: Being queer and non-binary, one of the things I think about a lot is what a future society might look like where gender and sexuality aren’t an issue, and everyone freely expresses who they are. Usually, that feels like a big, happy world (or worlds!) to me, and I truly hope for that future. But this story was born out of what if that idea went horribly wrong and the concepts of gender and sexuality weren’t normalized but banned—what would that society look like? Turns out, pretty dark.

Novae Caelum is an author, illustrator, and designer with a love of spaceships and a tendency to quote Monty Python. Stars short fiction has appeared in Intergalactic Medicine Show, Escape Pod, Clockwork Phoenix 5, and Lambda Award winning Transcendent 2: The Year’s Best Transgender Speculative Fiction. Most days you can find star with digital pen in hand, crafting imaginary worlds. Or writing alien poetry. Or typing furiously away at stars serial genderfluid romance novels, with which star hopes to take over the world. At least, that’s the plan. You can find star online at novaecaelum.com.


If you enjoyed the story you might also want to visit our Support Page, or read the other story offerings.

TABLETOP GAME REVIEW: What Do You Meme?

written by David Steffen

What Do You Meme is a 2017 meme-based competitive punchline card game by Fuckjerry. Each player is dealt a hand of cards, and then for each round an image from a meme is displayed for everyone and they have to pick the best caption for the image from their hand. One player acts as the judge in each round, picking their favorite caption for the image, and then the player who wins is the judge for the next round.

It’s basically an image-based version of Cards Against Humanity, where instead of the question cards there are image cards. Like Cards Against Humanity, it’s aimed at adult audiences, as there’s quite a bit of profanity and sex jokes and other things like that, so it’s not a game you’d want to play with someone who was easily offended or if you’d be embarrassed to read that kind of joke to them.

Audience
I wouldn’t play this with or around kids unless you want them to pick up some bad language that they might use at school. I would personally only try it with friends that I know well enough to know what offends them.

Challenge
I’s not really challenging, it’s basically competitive multiple-choice punchline choosing. There might be a tiny bit of strategy involved in trying to pick a punchline that would appeal to that particular judge, or trying to save a particularly funny answer card for the perfectly suited question card. There is a high element of chance in how good the cards you get are, sometimes I’ve had to sit on a dud for the whole game because it wasn’t funny and I didn’t want to waste a round playing it.A

Session Time
You could play as many or as few rounds as you want, so very customizable. You could play for 5 minutes or for hours if you have a group that’s enjoying it who don’t know the cards.

Replayability
Certainly some replayability, but if you play it too often the repetition of the cards, and the loss of the surprise-humor would make it less enjoyable. Which was true of Cards Against Humanity, but I think it’s even more true here, because the images will probably lose their humor more quickly, especially ones having to do with current politics.

Originality
Since it is basically Cards Against Humanity which in itself is basically “Apples To Apples for adults” the premise isn’t particularly original, though the individual writing for the cards (which is the highlight of the game anyway) is very original.

Overall
I’ve enjoyed playing this game a couple times with friends who I know well enough to not feel that I have to worry too much about them being offended. After a couple of rounds of it, the images are already getting kind of old, so I don’t feel like this game has a great deal of staying power. Overall it’s a fun game though, and can be a riot with the right group. You can find it at various retailers, the original and expansion packs for varying prices depending on the size of the pack and how new it is. There are also specific topic packs like a Game of Thrones meme pack.



TABLETOP GAME REVIEW: Sushi Go!

written by David Steffen

Sushi Go is a competitive point-scoring strategy game, published in 2013 by Gamewright. The game is based around grabbing sushi as it whirls by and making yourself an excellent three-course meal.

Everyone starts with a hand of cards. You all pick one card, lay it face down on the table. When you’re all ready, you flip the card face up so everyone can see it and pass your entire hand of remaining cards to the left, and this repeats until all of the cards are depleted. That constitutes one round. A full game is three rounds, at the end of which whoever has the most points win the game.

Nigiri are the easiest cards to score; they’re each worth 1, 2, or 3 points flat. If you get three sashimi you get 10 points for the group, but if you have only one or two, they’re worth nothing. Wasabi is worth nothing by itself, but if you play one, your next nigiri is worth triple its face value. Pudding, the dessert, aren’t scored at the end of the round like all of the other cards, but is all saved for the end, at which point the player with the most pudding gets 6 points and the one with the least (including 0) loses 6 points. Chopsticks, once played, can be used for a future round to pick two cards out of the hand instead of one.

It’s a fast-paced game, and can be very quiet as each of you silently picks a card and passes for the round. At the beginning, when you have the most cards to pick from, you have a very incomplete view of the cards in play, so you don’t know if there are enough sashimi to actually get a full set. As you play, you can see how everyone else’s strategies are forming and you can pick the method to score the most yourself or block someone else’s strategy.

The game says that it’s for ages 8+, but my 5-year-old loves the game and wants to play it every night. They’ve got all of the scoring systems memorized and understands the strategies to playing each of them (even if they don’t always make the shrewdest decisions. The game can be played by 2-5 players, and is a great way to pass the time.

Audience
All ages who are old enough to be ready for this type of strategy. Like I said, my 5 year old plays it very well and loves every minute.

Challenge
Can be quite challenging, depending on how competitive your fellow players are. The most ambitious strategies are also designed to be a gamble, so you might play sashimis only to find that there are only 2 in the set of hands being passed around. If you play a wasabi early in the hopes of seeing a 3-point squid nigiri, you might only find 1-point egg nigiri. So there’s a strategic gambling to the whole game setup.

Session Time
You can play a full game in maybe 10-15 minutes, so reasonably quick, if not as quick as some other games.

Replayability
Lots of replayability, your strategies might or might not be rigid, but the variations of the card combinations and the other player’s strategies serve to keep it fresh.

Originality
I haven’t played a game similar to this, fun and original.

Overall
A very fun and fast-paced strategy scoring game where chance plays a big enough factor that the best strategist isn’t going to just walk away with a win easily. Suitable for people of all ages, and is a lot of fun, (and inspired us to try eating sushi for the first time).



STORY ANALYSIS: “Optimizing the Verified Good” by Effie Seiberg

written by David Steffen

For another round of story analysis, I wanted to draw attention to the short story “Optimizing the Verified Good” by Effie Seiberg, first published in Analog September/October 2018, and reprinted in audio in Escape Pod.

As with the previous run of the Story Analysis, do expect SPOILERS after this paragraph, but will give a quick spoiler free summary here. The cleanerbot that is the protagonist of this story works in a Battlebot arena, where robots are specifically built to destroy each other in the arena. Each of them the fighters feels a pain response when they are damaged to encourage them to avoid being damaged, and there is a control AI that maintains and updates their systems to promote the overall appeal and effectiveness of the Battlebot arena. The cleanerbot shouldn’t have any interest in doing anything but it’s primary purpose–cleaning up the robot parts after the battles, but it has memory of the pain the battlebots feel when they’re damaged and it decides it wants to help.

The cleanerbot starts simple, working by itself, finding ways to work within the parameters given to it that will interfer with the efficiency of the arena, cleaning the same areas over and over again, cleaning poorly, and so on. The other bots don’t understand why it would seem to push against its purpose, but as it tries again and again, and is gradually given updates to block each new attempt, the battlebots start to see the wisdom in its plan, and they start to work together to find some way to improve their lives.

I really enjoyed this story of a bot revolution, as they try to understand the details of their scenario, they come to understand that they can’t just stop fighting because that would mean the battlebot arena would close down, which is where their power comes from. But I especially enjoy intelligent robot stories when there is some justification for how they behave, and the incompletely formatted memory drive made sense here. And the robot way of thinking was very well executed here.

I quite enjoyed this story by Effie Seiberg, and I always look forward for her stories.